We don’t sit around and wait for something bad to happen to us. It just does.
In these moments we are grasping for the last piece of hope we can cling to. Bad news after bad news after bad news. Everything spinning out of our control and there is nothing we can do but just…. wait…pray…hope…trust…and an ocean of tears to go with it.
It happens everyday.
I should know.
It happened to me.
October 14, 2015
It was the worst, scariest and darkest night of my life.
The moment I dreaded most was here. The words I dreaded the most I was going to have to say to my beautiful wife who looked soooo happy and peaceful making her dinner.
I could barley get the words out, “Babe, don’t freak out. My heart is beating so fast and I can’t breath”.
The look on her face broke my heart.
In the emergency room, The Dr. could not figure out why I was having trouble breathing so they decided to intubate me before the transfer to ST. Lukes.
I looked in to my beautiful wife’s eyes. She looked so worried and scared.
I whispered, “Everything is gonna be OK”.
It would be the last time I see her, or speak to her for 10 days.
10 Days Later:
“Hey you.” I whispered as my eyes adjusted to the light. Everything looked so blurry except for Laura’s face. I remember thinking she looked more beautiful then ever.
The days following I learned the horror Laura had to go through. To this day, I still apologize to her. She endured with so much faith and strength she still says only came from her trust in Jesus.
I learned that my blood clotted heart caused pulmonary embolisms that caused kidney failure and damage to my liver.
37 days in the hospital.
2 months of dialysis.
One of the worst experiences of my life. I pray for those who go through dialysis. The Dr. did not think my kidneys would regain function. But Jesus healed them. He brought them back to life.
Recovery has been steady. I still have a long way to go with more surgery but, I’m alive.
Life More Meaningful?
It’s hard to explain how Jesus has changed me so much. C.S. Lewis wrote it best.
In “The Chronicles of Narnia: The Last Battle”, Aslan the untamable but good Lion has created a new Narnia. Lewis describes it like this:
“The difference between the old Narnia and the new Narnia was like that. The new one was a deeper country: every rock and flower and blade of grass looked as if it meant more.”
“All their life in this world and all their adventures in Narnia had only been the cover and the title page: now they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story: which goes on for ever: in which every chapter is better than the one before.”
Before my darkest day to date, I loved my life. It was amazing. Building up a family and enjoying them and serving my Jesus was sweet.
But now, It all feels like it was a dream, and now I’m awake to really live it for real.
” the holidays have begun. The dream is ended: this is the morning.”
Everything has much more meaning. Everything means so much more. Every little detail. From a smile to a soft touch.
My kids laughter’s’ are much more rich and colorful, something I never noticed before.
Laura is my Christmas Eve… anticipating Christmas Day.
Weeks before this “Event” Jesus was already preparing heart. As well as Laura’s. We felt a need to pray together and seek him together more. I mentioned to Laura one night, “God is preparing us for something, and no matter what happens, I love you so much.”
Jesus never left my side. He never let me go. Even when my hope and faith were hitting rock bottom, he remained faithful and POWERFUL.
I trust him wholeheartedly with my life.
Because I have never loved these words from Paul as much as I do now.
“For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain!”
You, My Readers My Friends:
If you ever find yourself in a hospital waiting room. Keep trusting. That is all I can say.
Keep trusting Jesus. In this trusting, strength and hope’s well will never run dry.
If you ever find yourself on that hospital bed. He see’s you cry at night. He knows how scared you are.
All I know is , Jesus will never let you go. He holds you tight. He will hold you through your whole healing and miracle. Or, He will hold you tight to the other side. Hold on to Him as well. Trust Him.
Oh, and, “Everything is going to be ok.”