About how I want to die

I don’t like talking to Doctors.  It’s like they are the manifested voice of your conscience of things you are thinking but don’t want to hear out loud.

I hate that.

But that’s who they are.  They tell it like it is.

My cardiologist I would say is 10 times worse.  I don’t know if it’s because he is a Doctor, but he definitely does not strike me as a “glass half full” kinda guy.

Of course, some of the main points doctors hit revolve around death…

Here are some random thoughts, as transparent as i can make them:

I am not afraid to die.  I may be get a little uneasy about it sometimes, But, I am not frightened or horrified of the event.

“To die would be an awfully big adventure” – Peter Pan

Paul put it so comforting to me:

“so now also Christ will be magnified in my body, whether by life or by death. 21 For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain. 22 But if I live on in the flesh, this will mean fruit from my labor; yet what I shall choose I cannot tell. 23 For[c] I am hard-pressed between the two, having a desire to depart and be with Christ, which is far better.  24 Nevertheless to remain in the flesh is more needful for you.

Christ Magnified Whether By Life Or By Death:

I LOVE this.  So much.

I want my life to magnify the greatness of Jesus.  I want to magnify His love and power.  He has held me so tight all my life, since I was in my mother’s womb, he has never let me go.

Sometimes it was so hard to believe it and feel it.  But he has been revealing it to me so much recently.

I can’t even find words to express how grateful I am to him.  How much reverence I have toward my Jesus.  I want to see his face.  I want to physically throw my arms around him while my head rest on his loving chest and just say, “I love you so much”….

Even as I write this, my eyes are tearing up…

I know that when that day comes, I will open my eyes and see Him.  He will make me see ALL the times he held me…

He will let me see ALL of my sad and afraid tears in his nailed scared hands…

He will let me see how this whole time He held my congenital diseased heart beating with life.

He will let me see ALL the unseen miracles he bestowed on me…

He will show me my NEW heart He just instantaneously created in my NEW body…

In the words of Paul, this is FAR BETTER then anything we could ever want or need.  To be physically with Jesus face to face.  Look into his beautiful, majestic, eyes of fire that you can feel burn with so much love.  Oh, so much better.

This is how I magnify Christ in my life and death.  By living like death is far better.

But, I Am Hard Pressed Between The Two:

I love my wife.  She is my best friend.  My Everything.  To remain in the flesh is more needful for her.  For my 3 wonderful kids.  I hate the thought of my kids loosing their daddy at a young age.

To remain in this flesh will mean good fruit from my labor for them.  To teach them of this amazing Jesus that has taken a hold of me.

Laura and I had a very hard conversation last night.  Many tears of sadness and joy.  “Don’t worry about me, I will be fine.  God will sustain me.  He won’t leave me”.   Her faith has blown me away these last 6 months.  I’ve seen how God has caused her to grow in her faith and love of him.  It’s mesmerizing.

“I will not let your kids forget you.  I will not let them stray from Jesus”.

I know that everything will work out for the good, when that day comes.

For Me To Live is Christ!

Everyone is always looking for their “Calling”.  I’ve often wondered what was mine.  God gave me melodies and words to puzzle together to create songs for His Glory and Worship. I don’t know if that’s my “Calling”.

But I do know one thing I have to come to realize lately.  Jesus has been resonating to me, “Don’t be afraid”

And for some reason, I think he means, “Don’t be afraid to die.”

I think he also means, go and tell others not to be afraid to die.  His love is so perfect that it cast out all fear!

Jesus went to go and prepare a place for us.  A place who’s very architect and builder is God himself!  It’s a place that the bible says has not even entered the minds of men ever before nor never will.  These are things which he has prepared and has ready for us to those who love Him. If just a glimpse showed us that it’s streets of gold and a sea of crystal? Wow.

One day our eyes will close…and we open them… we will see Jesus.  Face to face.

It has not happened for me yet.  I’m trusting Jesus with all my being that he will keep doing miracles in me and keep me here for the benefit of my wife, kids, and YOU ALL! (you know to keep being encouraged through my struggles, blogs, and songs)

But, until that day comes, I will keep spiritually entering his presence in worship and I will boldly magnify Christ, whether by life or death.

For to me, to live is Christ and to die is Gain.